Blog 9 My lesbian loneliness, queens, and the future

Today I had a little bit of time.

My brain has been so bad lately. I don't know what it's been. Is it me? Is it early conditioning put into me? Is it some kind of evil force trying to keep me down? Although I am closer to getting out of Hellhole, I am not quite out yet. If someone were to ask me why I've been weird, I would say that I have been trying so hard to get out, that I repress some things and don't go over my thoughts and clean them up. But I am still not very good at critically analyzing myself, so I can't say that for certain.

Something certain though: Sometimes loneliness can really push you into doing something you wouldn't normally do. This doesn't mean much for me, haha, I don't really even get to go outside. So in my case, this means even more time inside my head: to watch a tv show or not watch a tv show? To give in, and try a social media website with a lesbian category again, to try to make a friend? I desperately paw in my brain for any way I could meet other lesbians.

I tried a tv show. I watched an episode of The Great on Hulu. It was fast-paced, it addressed thoughts that came up (for me and millions of other women) as I watched it, it was quasi-feminist... And that was the problem. It was the same patriarchal garbage women get fed in a new form every time period: something that satisfies immediate contemporary concerns, but injects old garbage that’s gone out of style, been forgotten, and makes it new shit again to oppress the next generation of females.

It's a little hard to put into words, and even the difficulty of putting it into words is part of The System. One example is how the meek brainy boy develops a friendship with the protagonist. The character is set a little ethnically apart from the other Russians, and is portrayed as so harmless, as an ally. As if he and Catherine were in the same boat. Although such circumstances may breed some kind of friendship like this between a woman and a man, it is not a real alliance. The women may take it pure-heartedly as a permanent, genuine friendship, even if simultaneously her survival or the survival of her ideas depends on it. But for the man, such an alliance with a woman is ENTIRELY self-serving, purely for survival or temporary gain. He will throw her under the bus, fuck her over, betray and forget about her, as soon as his position improves.

So why, then, do men sometimes supposedly end up rallying around a female queen, and some of these queens appear to be remembered reverentially? I think this is a farce, with a lot of funny business. But we're in dangerous territory right now mentally, a place where our minds are vulnerable thinking about such a thing. Our minds are sooooo trained to accept and eat the message that "men aren't so bad," that I think me even writing those words might send them straight to your head. It takes an exhausting amount of energy to guard the vast border of our minds against the millions of small virus-carrying flying things sent from the Land of the Patriarchy to breech our defenses. So let's steer out of this subject for now! I don't even think I could handle it yet.

Okay so tv is out. I have nothing left to watch. Out of all tv ever produced, I can only watch .00001% of it- And I have. My next act to try and ease the loneliness is a lesbian meet-up. I go on the website, and see if there is anything in my area. Nothing looks good. Everything looks like it would do more harm than good. Everyone claims they are friendly, open, and welcoming, but none of them set up any barriers for being "women only". None of them "vibe" right. They just don't seem like something a women would want to go to, especially a vulnerable introverted lesbian. And most lesbians I think are vulnerable and introverted. These meet-ups feel like they are booby-trapped.

Next is the worse and most desperate thing... the internet. There is no lesbian website I frequent, and I'm not sure if there are any quality lesbian news sources. Usually, I find going to a lesbian-specific website is more toxic and traumatizing than other websites. This is a very bad thing, and I want to explore why more in future posts. What I've been doing is searching "lesbian", and clicking on the "News" results. News stories at least report actual things that happen. The rest of the toxic slew is so much brainwashing, 95% of the time put out by non-lesbians to influence lesbians. (aka men controlling women's minds what's new nothing is new.........)

Those were all the ideas I had for easing my loneliness. If I had access to transportation, I would really enjoy going to a place where lesbians gather. Since I can't leave my cat here alone, I would bring her in a pet stroller, but it's too cold right now. For now, she and I are each other's only lesbian friends. And we have our tried-and-true way to feel sane and not so alone: reading lesbian books, especially radical feminist books from the 1970s. It's amazing how much knowledge and discovery contained in these books has been completely wiped out in 50 years. What I am doing on this website right now, just writing about current problems, isn't enough. These women already documented the problems. They came to the same conclusions it took me 10 years to come to. We all ended up in the same place of enlightenment at the end of the line.

How can this not happen again? How can women not be flooded and drowned by this volume-heavy force from the patriarchy? How can womankind not only exit the patriarchy, but build something new and permanent?

If we do not create a new world, our descendants will continue to be slaves to men.