Lesbian things I did as a girl without ever realizing I was a lesbian

I grew up not knowing homosexual people existed until I was 9 or 10 and had sex education, where it was briefly mentioned in a very clinical way. My parents kept me in a vacuum of any useful information my entire life. Society and mainstream media helped them. I was raised as the perfect bio-specimen to be harvested for use for all mankind, whether I was going in the tube that said "virgin," "mother," or "whore."

Until age 18, I mistakenly believed my parents were sort of innocent. I thought they came from a more innocent country on these matters, and that they didn't know much about lesbians or a lot of other things. I was so wrong, and it is really amazing that they managed to give me this impression. More can can be said about them, but for now, it’s important to note that they DID know about lesbians. They DID know about homosexuality. They DID know I was a lesbian. My father DID know his sexual abuse would alter my brain. My mother DID know he did this to me. My mother DID know the sadomasochistic drawings I did that accidentally fell out of a stack of papers when I was 12 were a result of that abuse.

That is all connected, and sadly too many lesbians share those same experiences. Lesbian sexuality doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It’s not just a checkmark on a form- We are born into a world that hates women and hates lesbians extra. Parents, usually with crystalline clarity, actively work to suppress lesbian girls in some, all, or strategically some, of their characteristics. (They truly live in fear of their daughters being homosexual, but not so much sons.) This list only covers romantic and sexual encounters with girls, but there are countless other common everyday characteristics common to lesbians. I wish, sadly, that someone had told me that fact. That your sexual orientation is part of your whole self. I could make another list of all the other things I did, desires I had, the type of intelligence I had, the feelings of being humiliated and depowered, the feelings of hatred and anger towards my father, the desire for liberty and freedom, the ambition that was greater than any male’s, the strange topics I liked to research, the activities I found fun and enjoyable, my body’s strength, my huge appetite, and so many more physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual traits that I have come to observe are strongly lesbian. If I wrote them all down (and probably will), it would be a much bigger list.

But here is an extraordinary list of things I did as a girl when I played/hung out with other girls my age, completely unaware of my sexual orientation:

Early Education

Had a REALLY close best friend in preschool. (I think my parents sabotaged our future communication even though I had her phone number.)

Elementary School

Grade 1 Was happy when I learned that it was okay for girls to undress in front of each other to change.

Grade 1 Encouraged all of the other girls to be less shy around other girls when changing in the girls' bathroom, teacher was slightly horrified when she walked in!

Grade 4-5 Bought some fancy training bra and panty sets, picked my favorite one, didn’t wear it for weeks, saving it for the day of the school play when all of the girls would be changing together. Displayed proudly on the day.

Grade 4-5 Was very physical with other girls daily during a reading time when we sat on a rug and the teacher read to us. We lounged all over each other, some resting their heads between others’ legs on their stomachs. Kids complained at seeing us and eventually the teacher made everyone sit in their own square. Bummer.

Middle School

Grade 6 Openly confessed to being mesmerized by the moving pleats of a girl's skirt. Only one person, another girl who I think was also lesbian, said anything about it to me.

Grade 7 Kept trying to peek at on of my best friend's breasts when changing. (Ironically no attraction, just curious, and curious why she was so shy about it. I probably just stripped naked in front of her.)

Grade 8 Got all of my female friends to start stripping at my birthday slumber party in an invented game called, "Strip Truth-or-Dare." This also happened at another birthday party.

Grade 7 Had my first semi-conscious pubescent crush on a girl. I kept imagining a scenario with her. Even in my fog, she made me consider if I was "gay.” I barely even knew the word "lesbian" at the time. It scared me a lot. I found a "study" that claimed both straight men and straight women found women more sexually arousing than men. This evil trash paper was just the excuse I needed to keep pretending I was straight. But was it my lack of courage? Was it my home environment? Was it lack of quality information? Was it a combination? I even overcompensated and made fun of one of her features to my friends. I barely knew her. I didn’t know she was standing nearby and heard. She was so cute and smart and very reserved. People made fun of her family. She was even less popular than me. I feel awful.

High School

Grade 10 Would stare and analyze my friend's breasts in the showers. She did the same to mine. Again, no attraction either way. This time I think she was lesbian too. We were both on the butch-yside.

Grade 10 Shared eating a food with the butch-y shower friend, took photos of it, proudly displayed them.

Grade 10 Took a video of a femme-y friend performing a cheerleading routine for me in a shopping mall stairwell.

Grade 10 Picked up femme-y cheerleading friend bridal-style multiple times. No attraction.

Grade 10 A girl developed a serious crush on me. She took my opinion very seriously, clung to me, and cried when I left. The last time we saw each other, she cried as her train left, while I waved from the platform.

Grade 10 Wore sexy lingerie and unashamedly stripped for gym, while other girls were shyer and wore basic underwear.

Grade 10 Kissed a girl or more in photo booths.

Grade 10 A friend struggled to catch a toy from a crane game. I asked her which one she wanted and caught it for her. She tried, bashfully, to point out how romantic it was. Somewhere deep inside, this made me proud and happy.

Grade 10 Went on a few outings with a friend, which were more like dates.

Having every incident written down makes it sound like I was very busy. Maybe I was? But my life changed dramatically in my late teens, and much of my 20's were empty of any female companionship. During the whole time living with my parents, with the exception of the reserved girl in 7th grade, I never consciously realized or considered that I could be a lesbian. It was too scary, too foreign, it wasn’t me, not genuinely, no way! Maybe some women out there, but not me, not really. I thought these were all normal and “fun” things that girls did together.

All girls look at other girls’ bodies, right? All girls dream of how well they’d treat their girl if they were lesbian, right? All girls hang up pictures of almost-naked ladies in their bedroom, right? It’s “art,” right? All girls doodle pictures of girls giving bouquets to girls, right? All girls save pictures of lesbian couples, right? Right?!